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Although the question has the word "marriage" in the title, it is really about any most important relationship in a founder's life, be it husband/wife, fiancee, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner or significant other.

During my first start-up, there were times when I thought the pressures of the business were going to result in my wife leaving me. Thankfully she didn't and we got to a reasonable exit (for the business!) without a matrimonial disaster.

This subject obviously has a lot to do with work/life balance and I note there is a question on that subject, but as I get into my second start-up, I'm interested specifically in how other successful founders maintain healthy relationships with the one they love. A great example on husband and wife startup give-and-take can be seen in Jason Cohen's article and his wife's response - can anyone else share their personal stories, provide helpful tips or point out relevant articles?

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Great question. My wife is taking on a lot of extra work with our son while I am working a day job, launching one business and selling another. – TimJ♦ Jan 13 '10 at 22:58
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Haha. I really like the question! – jpartogi Jan 13 '10 at 23:14
This is an issue that I also have been thinking lately. – Graviton Jan 14 '10 at 2:51
Thanks to everyone who took the time to put in their answers. As there are quite a few answers, I thought it would be helpful to summarise the key insights for me: 1) Accept that being in a start-up is a lifestyle choice - make sure your SO is bought in 2) Open communication channels are vital for survival of the relationship 3) You need to have an understanding wife/SO :-) 4) Eat dinner together 5) Rent an office - working from home can create pressures 6) Find a co-founder to share the load with 7) Plan some family holiday time well in advance – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 11:52

16 Answers

up vote 39 down vote accepted

Being at a startup is a lifestyle. Your spouse has to buy into this lifestyle, first and foremost, or things will go south quick.

When I approach my spouse about any startup, I have to sell her on it too. If she thinks it's a waste of time or stupid, then she will not be bought into the long hours or zigs and zags that will happen. So, for me, it starts with buy in to the vision. Not that she has to totally understand everything but it has to be a compelling story. What I mean by compelling is that the opportunity will enrich our lives at some point, be it money or a stepping stone to something else.

I also have her meet the people I will work with, including their spouses. If a company values the work-life balance, which they all should, then it shows in how they interact with spouses. A good CEO and executive team will sell the spouse as well as the employee.

Another important thing is to be honest about the sacrifices you need to make. Nothing pisses your partner off more that broken promises or lies about the real effort required to make stuff happen.

Always make time for your spouse. Have them demand that you put the computer down and take a break. Even little breaks are fine. Being consumed with work, startup or not, is the surest way to make your home life miserable.

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Another great benefit of getting a buy-in from your spouse is that it forces you to formulate your thoughts in a way more people will understand. Too often we have our wild ideas and it just seems so clear in our heads... until we explain it to someone and get "wtf?" look. – Apollo Sinkevicius Jan 14 '10 at 6:36
Good point Apollo. If it's a great opportunity then it should be easily explainable and get non-techies excited. – Jarie Bolander Jan 14 '10 at 13:36
+1 on the lifestyle perspective – Jason Jan 17 '10 at 1:53
Thanks Jarie - I agree it's a lifestyle thing - about my current (second) startup, my wife says "we're not going to go through all that again, are we?" and I am trying to make sure it isn't as all consuming this time round... – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 11:57
I get that too. How I solved that was to tell my wife she needed to do a startup. Presto, now she gets it. It does help if your partner knows what a startup is like -- both the thrill and the hard work. – Jarie Bolander Jan 17 '10 at 14:47
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up vote 5 down vote

I just got a son so things are even more critical. I would say the following three rules.

  1. Always eat dinner together (you can work later)
  2. Every second weekend you take out one day for your wife and or your kids
  3. Try to work as much as possible at home
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Thomas - thanks for the feedback. My kids are older now so it's easier, but I am trying to get back into the habit of sharing dinner - I think it's very sound advice. I need to give some thought to my weekends - how much do I want/have to work, and what can we spend time on together instead. For sure in my first business, the constant pressure regardless of the day of the week was a big strain. I'm in two minds about the working at home thing - whilst it's nice to be around, it isn't so nice to just be there but not engaged - it's certainly a tricky balance that I need to work on. – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:14
Yes it is a tricky balance I am totally with you. But I think the best thing you can do is to make agreements with your wife/girlfriend and keep them. This will prove that you want this relationship. Women are ok with you working it's if they don't feel that they are part of what is important. In other words. Make dinners important and you make her feel important. – ThomPete Jan 17 '10 at 14:48
up vote 13 down vote

EDIT:

(Removed long-winded response in favor of a more succinct one)

I learned the following over the past year while writing code, working with a business partner and trying to make it all work with a wife and 2 year old son.

  • COMMUNICATION is the key. You both need to communicate clearly and the other needs to listen and act.
  • Flexibility is very important.
  • Keep your priorities straight.
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Tim - thanks - I quite agree - communication is one of the keys to survival in any relationship. Your point about priorities is also relevant to me - I have to think about why I'm doing this - to build a better long-term future for us both - no point wrecking the relationship in the process! – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 11:59
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As Abe Lincoln wrote, "I'd send you a shorter letter if I had more time." – JeffO Jan 22 '10 at 21:45
up vote 4 down vote

Seduce your significant other into the business and the great passion and fire that goes with it, so that they to are working insane hours right along with you, and its now something the two of you are sharing, vs. being at opposition with. Of course watch out for the great battles that will erupt once you to disagree on things.

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+1 if you have no kids, otherwise this is the opposite of having a family. – Jason Jan 17 '10 at 1:52
Curious - I know a few people who work with their SO successfully, but I can't imagine that working for us. Having said that, my wife did the books for the first three years of my first start-up and that worked quite well. We had a young family then so she couldn't spend an insane amount of time in the business even if she had wanted to, but at least she had some insight into my working environment. Personally I think it works for a few couples, but not the majority - and for myself, I think it's good to have something outside the business to go home to. – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:18
I've had this both work, and fail in the past. Agree though it wouldn't work well with kids that is for sure. I also think it depends on what your company does. For instance, doing game development, this encompasses something that I also do as a hobby, and enjoy doing regardless if its for the business or not. Likewise the previous SO that did work with the company, worked along side as a artist which she loved doing, as it provided a professional medium for her art. She also liked playing games, and this naturally rolled over into QA and play testing. – Centurion Games Jan 18 '10 at 21:26
up vote 7 down vote

Stay single. But barring that, my rather unqualified two cents...

Usually it's not the quantity of time together that leads to the most frustration. Being fully unavailable is less frustrating, at least to my particular companion, than being physically present but emotionally unresponsive.

So if you're like me, this means the best thing you can do is: get enough time for yourself. It sounds crazy, but it helps. "Techies" tend to be introverted. Even if it's just 15 or 20 minutes a day, you need a little silent space (when you're still awake) to feel at rest. Otherwise, life will start to feel like a constant deluge, you'll start withdrawing from your partner, and he'll respond by forcibly inserting himself into your every waking moment (part of a vicious cycle) or leaving you altogether.

Once you've satisfied this, it'll be easier to make every bit of the time you spend with your partner count.

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Interesting - for sure when I feel really under pressure, I am not so much fun to be around, so I take onboard the need to find time/space for yourself. I couldn't agree more - it's not about the quantity of time (founders rarely have an excess) but absolutely about the quality. A great piece of advice - time with your partner is precious - make it count. Thanks! – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:21
up vote 5 down vote

There is really only one way it will work and that is to have a very understanding wife. Looking over my shoulder at my wife who is trying to get me to come to bed.

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Are you saying you wrote this under duress? :-) – Jason Jan 17 '10 at 1:53
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It's funny - without realising it, you start to forget genuinely how understanding your wife is - thanks for the reminder, John! – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:01
up vote 2 down vote

I just had to reply to this question.

Though in most ventures I was in I was an "intrapreneur", at the last venture I was a co-founder. Sadly, company did not work out (many reason, but main was what market has shown us). My wife was the biggest supporter through it all. There is a reason I call her my "angel investor", because she is my best supporter and also best BS detector. I went through hell during those 7 months at that venture and having someone really smart to bounce thoughts off was absolutely invaluable asset.

I will agree with other posters here, COMMUNICATION is extremely important. Especially when things go bad, walking around all angry and frustrated will not help you or the marriage. But if you communicate all that to your partner and use him/her as an advisor, you may just get through it faster and get to a much better place.

Lastly, one should never forget to have some time sacred for the relationship. Date nights with no business talk are crucial and should be regular weekly occurrence.

Our wives/husbands/partners are true unsung heroes. Some of the most successful business people had a great supporter behind them in their personal life.

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Amen - sacred time is a must - just gotta make it happen! I completely agree too about the unsung heroes. Thanks for the feedback Apollo. – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:45
up vote 5 down vote

A start-up is similar to graduate school in that it is a time-sink and a gamble. You are gambling with your family, so having your spouse as a partner is important, and she should be treated with the same respect as any co-founder.

Make certain you spend time with your family, and if your wife wants to take an overnight trip, then do it.

It may mean that things happen less quickly, but, I would hate to have my children remember me as a work-a-holic that wasn't really there for them when they were younger.

They need to learn how to balance life and if that means I sacrifice some health issues by cutting back on sleep, then such is life, but my children should not be a sacrifice.

Succeed or fail, your family should be in your corner regardless, as long as you don't push them away.

So, as others mentioned, communicate often and make certain that you don't take out the stress of what you are doing into your relationship. Your SO shouldn't be a punching bag when you are stressed, for example. Take up running or get a punching bag, but make certain you don't destroy by being too selfish.

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Thanks for your thoughts James - my kids are older now and I imagine there are times when they would remember me as a work-a-holic - you can't turn the clock back but somehow I wish I had made more time for them when they were younger. I try and make up for it now. Motivation is a factor here - you think you're trying to make a better life for your family, but by the time you're done, they're all grown up and many opportunities have been missed. I need to make sure I don't make the same mistake with my wife this time round. Thanks for the wake-up call. – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:26
up vote 4 down vote

There's been a lot of wisdom shared on this thread. Very useful! One thing I would keep in mind is that the dreams that fuel and entrepreneur may seem a bit unsubstantial to significant others, so make sure you also pay attention to their dreams for the future, for the family, for the year, for the weekend, whatever.

Work will disrupt your time with them, but for each member of your household, try to make a clean mental break, drop your preoccupations with the business, and give each one your undivided, fully-present attention for at least 3 5-30 minute episodes per week. If you have some discretionary time and you could putter away at something business related or just relax, make a clear choice to focus on each family member in turn, instead.

If each person gets a clear sense that they matter to you, and that at time you are only focused on them and nothing else, then you are essentially not abandoning your family for your job. If you maintain the connection, and you respect some of the things that they dream about too, then they can forgive you when you honestly can't get away from the business.

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Thanks Neil - I agree that it doesn't take too much to make each family member feel they matter and that you give them your wholehearted attention when they need it, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded how important that is! – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:48
up vote 10 down vote

What has helped with me is:

1) Marry the right person. I'm very independent as is my wife. If my wife wasn't as independent, it probably wouldn't work.

2) Get your financial house in order. Finances are a big marriage killer. Startups can be a big financial drain especially if you're leaving a job and losing income for months or even years. So get your financial house in order, track what kind of financial runway you have, and be very open about it. When I hire a new person or spend more than a couple of thousand dollars on something, I discuss it with my wife to make sure she understands why and make sure she's on board. She really wants a new elliptical machine and windows for the house. I really want to remodel the basement and build a theatre. All are on hold because we're trying to keep the cash stockpiled and the runway long. It's a lifestyle sacrifice for her so I want to make sure she's in the loop and an active part of decisions that prevent us from doing things we would normally just do, like buy an elliptical machine.

3) I make it a point to be home at 7 PM every night and cook her dinner. This frees her time to work out and do things she wants/needs to do. It's not hurting my business really at all because it forces to me focus and get things done at work and will likely extend my burnout runway. I can do some work after she goes to bed but most nights I don't.

4) We have some shared interests/hobbies that I make it a point to make time for on the weekends. This also helps keep me sane and extends my burnout runway.

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Scott - marry the right person - I was was taking that for granted, but maybe I do just that too much! I agree that finances are one of the big killers - it's been the single greatest source of conflict so far for us & there is certainly some work I need to do in that area. Sadly I can't cook, but as per Thomas's answer below, I think getting home for dinner as a habit is a must. Your final point is particularly useful - make time to do things of shared interest together - I'm definitely going to give this some more thought. Many thanks! – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:09
up vote 10 down vote

I've been running my startup for the last 6 years (I guess it's not a startup anymore grin). Sadly my marriage failed a couple of years ago, right after I ceased employment to work on the business full time. It failed for two reasons.

  1. I took on too much. I tried to keep the business going and do the lions share of the caring of our two children and as a consequence the wife got neglected. All of that was entirely my fault.
  2. She didn't realize that because I was home it meant it was not a free for all on my time. She made little or no effort to give me space to run the business and was very demanding on my time physically and emotionally. She also took little to no interest int the business itself so long as the money kept rolling in.

If I had my time over again I'd have rented an office from day one and I am sure my marriage would be still going strong.

I've grown the business considerably since the marriage failed and now have a new significant other. She is the polar opposite of my ex wife, she takes on responsibility, gives me time and space to keep the business running, and is constantly supporting me in the plans I have to grow the business. I'm also conscious of the time I spend with her, I spend each night with her away from the computer, and make sure at least one day every weekend is devoted to activities with her and my children.

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Thanks for taking the time to share your experience. One can't help but wonder whether your first marriage would have survived even if you had had a regular job, but the issue about being at home is one reason why I've taken a cheap office even though I've got no income yet. Sounds like you've been very lucky with your new partner and that you are able to make your time with her count. I hope to do the same with my wife. – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:31
up vote 11 down vote

Have at least one co-founder.

The arguments for and against co-founders and how many co-founders shouldn't be repeated here (although it's a great topic generally). But having a family to tend to puts a big hash mark in the "have a co-founder" column.

In general, my personality leads me to being a single-founder, but now with a wife and child I wouldn't do that. At least one other person has to be at least as dedicated as I am, otherwise I wouldn't be able to have the right priorities.

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Jason - I think this is an interesting subject - having someone in the business to share the day-to-day load makes a lot of sense in terms of being able to prioritise your own family time properly. At the moment it's less likely I am going to have a co-founder this time round for a bunch of reasons, although that could of course change. However Employee #1 is going to be crucial for me so I will naturally be studying your article on the subject :-). – Steve Wilkinson Jan 17 '10 at 12:43
To me having a co-founder just complicates things a little bit more. Now, besides having to convince your wife that you are doing the right thing... you'll also have to convince someone else to work hard and support your idea... why?! I understand the idea of having someone to share the work with, but it also means having someone else to keep happy and interested in your project... IMO – Ricardo Feb 5 '10 at 6:12
Having done it both ways, cofounder is a LOT less work. If you have to "keep someone else happy" you've chosen the wrong cofounder. If you can't convince anyone else your idea is that exciting, maybe it's not a good idea. Even egomaniacs like Steve Jobs had cofounders. – Jason Feb 5 '10 at 14:07
No to "co-founder". I have a strict "No 'co-anything' policy" because it muddles the accountability trail. But, I think what you may mean is to always delegate any work to any skilled individual you can find and bring into your venture. – alphadogg Dec 11 '10 at 14:57
up vote 0 down vote

I was lucky enough today to come across this thread. I am going through exactly this issue right now. I started my business 8 months ago after losing a senior exec job due to the GFC. My ambitions and goals for the business have taken longer than anticipated, with various 'bad luck' issues hitting me. My SO has been fantastic through this. She has taken on 2 extra jobs above her own work to support me and to support the running of the family.

However our views are starting to differ. Where I see the business being successful, she is getting defeatist and talking about losing our house, cars, etc. This could not be further from the truth as our house is separate to the business and not in any danger.

Communication is hard as she wants a regular income just like a job salary. My income is lumpy at this stage until the business hots its straps. The question I have is when is it time to look at pulling the plug, to say that this is not going to work? Even to type these words is against what I am about but my SO is asking? I see that from her point of view the question is valid......

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Todd - I went through this kind of thing in my first start-up. Firstly you need to decide what is the most important thing in your life - if your business succeeded and yet your marriage failed, would it have been worth the sacrifice. For most people, the answer is a big definite no, but few take the time out to think about it in the heat of the battle. Once you have that worked out, you can then prioritise your time more appropriately to meet your primary objective. Understand that whilst men are often eternal (and sometimes foolish) optimists, women are often born worriers. (...cont) – Steve Wilkinson Jan 21 '10 at 8:07
I assume you have a mortgage and other commitments, so to say the house etc are not at risk isn't strickly true - if as a couple you can't meet your commitments, I would think you would have to sell your house - even if not true, this is perhaps how she is thinking & it will be a source of worry to her. Practically, I found the support of close mutual friends to be a big help (I hope you have some) - they can often see both sides and help you work through things together, showing where changes are needed on both of your approaches. (...cont) – Steve Wilkinson Jan 21 '10 at 8:11
The other thing that helped me was having my co-founder talk to my wife - he was able to show her that the business was doing okay and that there wasn't so much to worry about. One more thing: she wants you to get a regular job, but that isn't always a better way forward - given the current state of the job market, you may struggle to find one, and even if you have a job, you can just as easily lose. (Also - sounds like your wife is under a lot of stress with her 2-3 jobs - could you reduce this by taking on part time work yourself maybe?) – Steve Wilkinson Jan 21 '10 at 8:17
[ Just re-read your question - pls substitute 'SO' for 'wife' and 'relationship' for 'marriage' - sorry :-). ] – Steve Wilkinson Jan 21 '10 at 8:19
up vote 3 down vote

Good time management and self control.

Here's what I do:

1- After coming back from my day job, I spend the time with the family and when the kids and wife go to bed, I start working on my ideas.

2- Two days a week (friday evening and saturday) it's family time only. No work is done.

The point is that you have to let your spouse and kids feel you are available. Give them quality time.

Note: it's OK to spend some time on your work here and then if they are busy with their own stuff. Just don't bury yourself in work all the time. It's not good for your health either.

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up vote 0 down vote

This is a tough one and I guess it always depends on the type of startup. I had 2 startups, one in services, which didn't require me to have a crazy life. Basically I was on my customers schedule so it wasn't bad. Another one was an online SaaS product which required a lot more ground work and background work. The best way is to consider that your wife and kids are part of the process. If they don't feel well, you won't be able to execute on the long run on your startup (at least if you want to stay married). It is critical, and part of the success of your startup, to manage time for your wife and time for your kids. In reality, it is not that much time in a day..

Specific action item:
- Budget some money for baby sitter and go out for dinner with your wife every 10 days or 2 weeks. Just the two of you.


- go home and stop working before 7pm and enjoy your kids until they go to bed. Then you can start working again. It's a good for you too.. Beware that short term solutions don't turn into long term fixes..

Also you can look at that great article from Steve Blank (and fantastic entrepreneur and professor): http://venturebeat.com/2009/09/07/launching-a-start-up-and-having-a-family-life-it%E2%80%99s-possible/

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up vote 0 down vote

Avoid Debt! it put out a huge amount of risk, and if you get a SBA loan and your biz fails then you may loose your house! That would be really bad.

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